It's been quite a while since I blogged, or typed much of anything in a long time if my cold fingers and their loss of muscle memory indicates anything.  In the time away, I've moved to the Oregon coast, bought a car, then seen it demolished by a tree in a wind storm, bought another car, finished my first full-time semester in college, started a new job, started a new dance class, and just almost started Winter term.

I've also been reading one of the best books of my life:  Women Who Run With The Wolves, by Clarrisa Pinkola-Estes.  It's one of those books that could change the course of my life.  In daily, personal ways and decisions it already has.  But it has the potential to shape my life path, as well. 

One thing I've learned as I sit in my chair by the big, cold window with the little lamp and steaming mug nearby, highlighting more passages than not, is that it doesn't just take a healthy, wolf-like instinctual nature to find one's right work and fully creative life;  one's right work and fully creative life can lead one back to one's healthy, wolf-like instinctual nature in ALL things!

I found this out when I took my first jazz class last Wednseday, the first in about 13 years.  It was both the book and my partner who shoved me out the door to go to this class.  It certainly wasn't my connection to my Wild Woman intuition!  All I heard was the fear and the Harpies:  your body will hurt, you'll hurt yourself, it's dangerous to drive up the coast in the dark, you haven't registered the car yet - what if you get pulled over, it's too cold, it's too late, there's not enough money, they won't value you, it will be a let down, you can't dance anymore....

I didn't know what was the right decision, couldn't sniff it out, as Estes might say.  I was the poster woman for losing touch with the wild nature, the far-seeing, far-hearing, extra and intrasensory woman who KNOWS.

Until I danced.  The class was amazing.  It was sensual.  I fit into it like a paw sinking deliciously into the warm Summer mud at the edge of Grandmother River.  I tapped into the river.  I let its current inform me.  I floated and swam the waters of my deep self as if I'd never left.

I came home, and I knew EXACTLY what to do!  Decisions I'd held off on for MONTHS came rushing to my mind and heart to be reconciled, delivered, declined or made manifest!  I took a job I formerly didn't feel good about.  It feels good now.  I changed classes.  I breathed my first breath of sweet air here on the coast!

Please, women and men who want to revivify, who NEED to be in their own beautiful skin again, don't wait.  Remember what made your heart sing as a child?  Did you paint?  Cook?  Daydream?  Invent?  Want to parent?  Garden?  Did you sew?  Do science projects?  Meditate?  Run?  Start lemonade stands?  Counsel?  Greet the sunrise?  Hike?  Farm?  Tend to animals?  Help the elderly?  Teach?  Did you live something from your heart to your fullest?

Then do it NOW!

Sometimes it's not best to wait for a sign.  Maybe there are signs you're not seeing because your sleeping eyes fool you into thinking you are plenty awake.  But does the heart see and sing already, or does it ache or tire?  Go and do your thing and THEN listen to your guidance.  It will run much more clearly through your soul when your body and mind have been sighed clear of the Harpies, the pollutants, the shoulds, the fear.

Here's hoping you all are well, happy, and wolf-like!

Thanks for listening.  Namaste.

Shannon

My path has been one of appreciation.  It's dancing, singing, writing, sex, the ocean, the mountains, study, becoming a partner, becoming a mother, choreographing, sexual orientation questioning, leaving the path, sitting it out, having a glass of Spanish red wine, lighting a candle, smelling the woodsmoke, getting up and going again.  Going back to things.  Discovery.  Forgetting.  Rediscovery.  Tightness.  Flexibility.  Love.  Hate.  Jealousy.  Fear.  Repression.  Rage.  Love again.  Sex again.  Writing again.  Dancing again.  Schooling again.  Ocean again.  Spirit.  Glee.  Quiet.  Suffering.  Clothes.  Naked.  Clothes again.  More red wine.  Strong coffee.  Lots of cream.

LOTS of cream....  :)

Namaste,

Shannon

Cave.  In fact, when I can't sleep, I'll lie in bed and picture being wrapped up in a sleeping bag in a cave with a small fire lit nearby.  It's raining outside the cave mouth.  The cave is in a very verdant forest.   I'm very safe here and cozy.

I'm getting to the point where I'm asking this of everything.  Of systems, of communities, of spirituality, of cleaning the house, taking a bath, replying to an email, doing yoga, taking a class, where we live....  Does it SERVE me?  Does it SERVE us? 

I'm over trying to make my life fit into someone else's version of what is success, what is right, what I need, what is good.  From DHS to Deepak Chopra, if it doesn't serve, if it doesn't enhance my life, it's out, it's gone.  Good riddance.

What serves me.  Right now it's NOT living in the moment sometimes.  It's fantasy.  It's dreams of the ocean, of a smaller community, of teaching and going to school.  What serves me is clearing my space, making it as livable as possible.  What serves me is listening to Green Day and drinking coffee.  It's doing as little as possible when I need to and ACCEPTING EVERYTHING.  I am living by the serenity prayer right now.  It serves me.  My daily prayer is no longer, what can I do?  My daily prayer is, "I unconditionally love and accept myself." 

I UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF.

Goddess/God's Will Be Done.  I give it all over.  I surrender!  My job right now is acceptance.  My full-time job is acceptance, above all else!  God grant me the wisdom to always, always, always ACCEPT myself first.   Grant me peace in the waiting.  Grant me blessings in the darkness.  Goddess let me know you in every moment and guide me gently and lovingly back to you again.

And So It Is!

It caught my eye because it's by Escher who was the architect (sp??) behind this mall we used to go to when we lived in San Diego.  You never knew what level you were on or how to get to the next one.  In a bizarre, child-like, fantasia kind of way, it was really fun and fascinating.

So here's the quote.  Enjoy!


Those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible. -Escher

It's child-sized, yes, but right now I'm thinking that's actually best.  I don't have a lot of finger span yet, so this one might be easier for me to learn and limber up on.  I bought it at a yardsale my 7 year-old neighbor was holding at the little playground in our complex.  It was one of about four things they were selling including some tea bags, a broken CD rack (which they were calling a spice rack...them's some BIG SPICES!), and two jars of Jiff peanut butter. 

I bought my new acoustic, slightly miniature guitar for $7.00 and I LOVE it!  Satina helped me tune it up yesterday and learn to play scales.  I also do a mean rendition of the Close Encounters tune. 

My goal is to learn many songs and hopefully learn to coordinate singing at the same time.

Thanks to John and anyone else who participated in my manifestation of this!!!   Most especially thanks to my Love, Satina, who has wanted this for me very much and helped me know how to get it.   :)

Love and Steve Miller,

Shannon

I was doing mine yesterday, and as I was writing in my Letter to My Higher Self page and asking for guidance and clarification on if this apartment was right for me or if I indeed wanted to move to a more private, light-filled location that was being prepared for us to move into, a knock came at the door.  It was one of my landpeople standing there with a doorknob in his hand.  He was there to ask if we wanted nonlocking doors on my daughter's room since she's autistic and developmentally delayed and might decide to lock herself in her room at some point.  She, in fact, HAS locked herself in her room before and my partner had to take the door knob off with a screw driver, get her out, and install a new knob.

I said yes, that'd be great and shut the door, feeling very strongly that this was a sign.  I may have been royally pissed at them a few blogs back, (more at the situation than them personally), but they're *really* trying to make this new apartment nice for us.  It helped me make my decision and helped my partner make the decision, too. 

So in this instance, my Morning Pages manifested the answer I wanted MID-SENTENCE!  :)

So what are you waiting for?

Shannon

All right, so I feel a lot better.  And now I want a guitar! 

Like, a lot.

Universe, bring me a guitar and help me learn to play it left handed!  :-D

facing the pacific,

Shannon

It is NOT a lightworker's job to be peace and light every moment of every day and right now I AM PISSED!!!!!!!!

I have to move this anger one way or another, and since I don't want to become freaking homicidal, I'll do it here. 

We've been SICK.  We've had every fucked up, bad, horrible mess since we moved into this cage of an apartment, and today our landlady wants to show it at 5:30.  We got 24 hours notice.  So even though Satina's still sick and it's a terrible time and there's a similar apartment open she could show them, I agreed to have them come through.  Agreed -- HA!  It's fucking mandatory!  And Satina had to move a session to allow it. 

Now the landlady tells me they have someone walking through at 6:30, too!!!!!!!!  NO fucking notice, and Satina has a client at 7!  HOW DARE THEY?!?!  Where the FUCK do they get off?!  I feel so injusticed, so disregarded, so damned PISSED! 

And one of the people I'm pissed at is ME.  I didn't stand up for us.  And why?  Because I feel POWERLESS!  How many times do lightworkers have to get stepped on before they become just as jaded as the rest of the population and just GIVE UP?! 

I am SO SICK of being taken advantage of and them being considered IRRATIONAL, SELFISH, or just a plain BITCH if and when I stand up for my rights!  We have a RIGHT to NOT let these 6:30 people walk through here! 

We are MOVING to the coast.  We decided last night.  And it CAN'T COME SOON ENOUGH!  I have HAD it.

Maybe I'll be back to happy thoughts, optimism, and light later.  Right now, THIS is me.  I am ANGRY.  I am INJUSTICED.  And I'm jut trying not to BLOW THE FUCK UP.

Anybody else feelin' this crap?

Venting Now Closed,

Shannon